


i'm sorry

by discranola



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Not Beta Read, actually part of a very canon-divergent au, also snake and otacon are absolutely married, but hes an important character, but you cant tell apart from a few weird lines, raiden/snake and snake/grey fox are mentioned but theyre not the main focus, vamp is only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 11:52:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17100077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/discranola/pseuds/discranola
Summary: Raiden wakes up in the care of Snake and Otacon.





	i'm sorry

Raiden tries blocking out the sound. The loud whirring of the machines. The concerned murmurs he can barely make out. Some sort of wire being pushed into his body that he wishes he could just reach out and crush. He doesn't need this. He doesn't _want_ help.

“Raiden?” 

If he could, he would reach out and stop whoevers talking. Or run away. Or find something flammable, anything at this point.

“Raiden, can you hear me?”

He finally decides to look, to take in what's happening even without his eyes. He can see Otacon standing over him working frantically on a laptop while Sunny checks his vitals. Snake is in the corner. He isn't looking at him.

“Otacon.” His voice is quieter than it's ever been, gently echoed through his cyborg body.

Otacon perks up almost immediately. “Raiden! Snake and I were so worried! We tried to search for your location after Shadow Moses but we couldn't find anything and,” he's obviously fidgeting, trying not to let the panic swell into his voice, “we thought maybe you were. Gone.”

It's incredibly obvious what he means. He imagines what it must have been like, spending weeks searching for someone so good at keeping off the radar. Making excuses for Sunny she'd pretend to believe -- she was smart, she'd figure it out -- while frantically looking for every single piece of newly released information in desperation. 

“I'm fine.” Only someone who knew Raiden down to every little twitch would know what he meant. His voice was full of fake optimism, slightly louder just to sell the act. Snake murmured.

Otacon didn't pick up on it. “I'm glad but, you really should've come sooner. What happened?” There's misdirected pity in his eyes, sadness for something he can't understand.

He stays silent. He can’t say anything, not while Sunny is in the room. She may be smart, but she’s still a kid. She doesn’t need to know. Otacon seems to understand, after years of living with Snake. He casts him one last look before leaving Sunny in charge of the machines beeping next to him. 

Slowly, Raiden opens his eyes. Snake is still sitting in the corner, although he now realises that the stick that's nervously switching between his fingers isn’t a cigarette, its pocky. He can already tell by Sunny’s gentle smile who’s responsible. 

The beeping becomes a familiar sound, enough for him to cancel out his thoughts and just relax for what feels like the first time in weeks.

“Raiden.”

He tenses. His fight or flight wants to go crazy but he has to remind himself, _this is Snake, you can trust Snake_ , trying his best to fight years of what Solidus and the Patriots did to him. Sunny clearly recognises the tone in her adoptive father’s voice, her smile withering while the serious, too mature look in her eyes settles in. 

If he could do it, he’d want to vomit. He knows what’s going to happen. “Yes?” He finally says from his real body, not the vocal box stored in his cyborg one. Snake makes a gentle, familiar motion and Sunny nods, putting her tiny hand on Raiden’s shoulder before scampering off to the other room. Snake slowly stands up, and Raiden can hear the popping of his joints alongside the vague wince on his face as he slowly walks over next to the medical table Raiden is laying on before he sits next to him. 

“I’m sorry.” 

All it takes is two words for Raiden’s monitor to spike. He takes control of his cyborg body and grips at the gentle sheets under him. He doesn’t _need_ to, but old lessons on human instincts kick in and he finds himself breathing heavily. He can’t do this. He needs to get out of here. 

His cyborg body slowly gets go of the sheets as he lets the alien sensation of controlling limbs that don’t truly belong to him melt away, his mind over wracking ways to leave and not come crawling back like a coward this time.

“It’s not your fault.” Snake gently says with pity in his eyes -- ones that understand -- as he gently grips the hand of Raiden’s metallic body. Raiden loves Snake, he trusts him, but it takes all his willpower to not scream at him for his misdirected compassion, something he doesn’t deserve after he blindly followed actions without meaning. After he killed _him_.

His mind was clouded as he used the last of his energy to crawl to Snake and Otacon, not just from hunger but from shame. He was a complete mess of the man he used to be, chopped up and burned by evil AIs and left to fend for himself in a completely new world that hours of documentaries and lessons couldn’t prepare him for. After the Patriot’s fall, he knew he didn’t have a place anymore. He could have ended himself quickly but the nagging voice in his head, the one that only came out at his worst, told him he needed to _suffer_. He’d hurt him, he’d hurt so many people, and the only reason he’d stayed alive on this twisted planet for so long was because of the efforts of a shadowy group of people who never had best intentions in their collective minds. 

He should’ve given in and listened, but instead just days before he was sure he’d be gone he found himself at their doorstep, barely alive. He was so much of a coward he couldn’t even face his own death. 

He slowly looked up at Snake again. “I’m sorry.” He whispered. He didn’t think about Snake -- about David -- in his sick little fantasy of a drawn out death, the idea of his last few months on Earth spent wondering. “I’m so, so sorry.” 

Snake gently shook his head. “You don’t have to be. I’m the one supposed to be worried about you.” The ghost of a smile covered his face as he continued to keep a steady hand on Raiden’s, even though now his eyes were far away. “I know how it feels. To… lose someone important to you like that. You keep wanting to go back and change your mistakes but…” His sentence trailed off as he recollected his own memories of Shadow Moses. 

Raiden knew his VR training of Snake’s adventures in Shadow Moses was off, but nothing could change that he already knew every tiny detail of Snake’s biggest failure. Back when he was still learning he was confused -- he couldn’t fully understand the hesitation in Snake’s movements during his battle with Metal Gear REX. Why would he care so much about this faceless half-human who had hurt him countless times before? Why did he refuse to shoot at him? Why was he so devastated after his death, the only thing fueling him to fight Liquid being pure rage?

Love. 

A completely foreign emotion to Raiden. 

He’d asked Rose several times on the subject and she’d tried her best to find as much on the subject as she could, from writings dating to centuries ago to stuff as recent as the internet, and when that failed she talked about her personal experiences of old boyfriends from her youth. 

He knew now. He wish he didn’t. 

Raiden became careless in the role he had to play. Every time he’d come back, another scar, he’d tell him he was fine. It was an act they’d be forced into apart from brief solaces they’d have when no one else was around. It was like he was an actor playing a character, and he was too, and after the curtains closed they’d both be fine. 

It was so easy to forget that the death-seeking behavior from both of them wasn’t part of the act. 

It was so easy to forget until one of them was lifeless on the floor, forgotten about, while the other waited for him to wake up. 

“I’m sorry about Vamp.” 

Snake was almost ready for Raiden’s body shooting up, the hand-holding interrupted by a hug that would’ve crushed the air out of his lungs if there was any left, arms that didn’t know their own strength clutching around him as he shook with dry sobs. 

All Snake could do was hug back.

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry if this kinda sucks in some places, i wrote it all between 9am and 10am   
> also theres a reason for the weird wording about raiden in some places AND snake being ok with raiden being upset over vamp but thats part of my over-complicated au that i may write about more in the future
> 
> I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS FOR WHAT IT IS THOUGH!!!! 💖💖💖


End file.
